When you lose sight of your own worth

Over the past few years, I've been feeling a bit unsure of my own value.

I continue to wander as to what I should do to live from now on.

---

This is a certain company that we have been supporting since June.

"Now, let's get ready for our business trip the day after tomorrow."

As we were making various preparations, we suddenly received a message from the person in charge.

This activity will be postponed for a while.

Contacted us with the following information.

"...Ahhhhh..."

I don't know how or why they came to that conclusion.

To cancel (or postpone) it at the last minute...

Unless it's something really serious...

"Ah, I'm sure it's because of your support last time."

It's easy to imagine that this has caused my mood to plummet.

Personally, I thought I had done my best and given it my all,

That's why the depression is so intense...

It's already in the past, and I haven't been told the reason or cause, so

Although I know that there are some things that can't be helped no matter how much I think about them,

"What did I do wrong?"

"What caused this?"

"What else could we have done?"

I find myself thinking about these things and going around in circles.

---

When the world was hit by the coronavirus pandemic and many industries were affected,

My business is no exception, and I have been forced to shift the way I work and the methods I use.

With fewer face-to-face meetings with people, the amount of work has decreased dramatically.

These changes in the external environment have forced me to reassess my work and the way I work,

At that time, I was in my late 50s.

It was also a time when I was about to turn 60, a milestone year.

At the age of 60,

"How do I want to live the rest of my life?"

I was forced to face the question:

It's been about four years since then. Actually...

Even now, I continue to wander, unable to find the answer to that question.

When I entered society at age 20 (1985)

"The age of computers is upon us!"

Diving into the world of software development (programming),

So, I developed a program for year-end tax adjustments, and

"A system engineer (SE) is

I was so impressed that I could learn such specialized knowledge!

I thought, "I want to be a system engineer."

But in Japan at that time, a girl who graduated from a junior college French department was

I was not treated as a valuable asset to the company at all, and I wasn't even given a business card.

I still can't forget the disappointment I felt at that time.

That's why I was determined to become a system engineer!

In 2002, we finally completed the upstream process of system development (requirements definition, basic design)

I've gotten to the point where I can carry it,

However, this alone made me clearly realize that I cannot achieve anything through my own will.

That's why I wanted to learn more about the upstream process and decided to become a consultant.

---

Giving birth to twin boys and girls (one boy has a congenital disability), raising them,

She continued working full-time while caring for her mother who had a serious illness (Parkinson's disease),

He started his own business as a consultant in 2013.

Anyway, I just kept running desperately, regardless of the circumstances.

I saw my mother-in-law and my mother off, and my two children left home and became independent.

And then the COVID-19 pandemic hit.

The style of work has changed drastically, and the amount of work has decreased dramatically.

When the time comes to face your own future,

"How do I want to live the rest of my life?"

I had to face this.

I have been asking myself that question ever since, and I am still wandering.

"What can I do with the time I have left?"

"What contribution can I make?"

"What value do I have?"

"What exactly can I do to bring out my value?"

"What is it that only I can do?"

"What can I do?"

And I think...

"Who am I...?"

I still haven't found the answer and I continue to wander...

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